Exclusive: PENDS Help Kids Fly Better

CANOPY CENTRAL, Mon. – It is every parent's worst nightmare, but now researchers are saying that survivors of Premature Eviction and Nest Displacement Syndrome (PENDS) develop better balance and muscle control in flight.  In a groundbreaking research survey, aviation expert Cooey and his team found that 143 of the 200 PENDS survivors monitored initiated flight on an average of 4.2 days earlier than normal chicks, most of them on their very first try.  Also, their reaction time to standard flight obstacles such as falling leaves and raindrops were remarkably better than the rest of their peers, indicating more refined muscle and feather movements from early on in life. 

Referring to the shocking findings, aviation experts are rushing to find an explanation, and based on detailed flight analysis and interviews with the subjects, they think that they have found the answer.  “It's like a flying orientation,” said Cooey, “At barely a few weeks old, their wings are weak and their feathers are non-existent, but even then the sense of air rushing past them is so exhilarating that most survivors remember the experience for the rest of their lives.”  Fellow expert Chirrup further explained that the feeling of free-fall helped the body adjust for what was to come.  “For the first time, their tiny bodies experience what it means to fight to stay alight, and even if they are doomed to fail, this little premature stimulus sets the muscles on the right course in the minute adjustments required for optimal flight.”

The general public seems to have accepted the report with uncharacteristic alacrity, and some are even citing hopes that further research can help discover a way to simulate the effects of PENDS in a safe and controlled environment as a form of flight therapy.  “I think that dropouts are an evil that the society has endured for far too long,” commented Shrilly, a 12-year-old mother of 6, “and if these findings can pave the way to reducing the current dropout rate, then I think that all the effort would be well worth it.  We have to do everything within our power to ensure that as many of our kids make it into the air as possible.  Perhaps some just need a little more help.”

Meanwhile, various non-partisan parties, including the Federal Chick Rights Group (FCRG) are not amused.  When contacted by The Phoenix, a representative of the FCRG responded that even if the statistics were true, the shock or trauma of surviving PENDS must be taken into account.  “Those kids bear the scars of PENDS for the rest of their life.  In fact, such reports are potentially dangerous as some parents might get it into their head to deliberately inflict PENDS upon their chicks in the hopes of giving them a so-called kick-start in today's competitive world.” 

Following FCRG's comment, police headquarters right here in Canopy Central released a statement sternly warning parents against unnecessarily endangering the lives of their chicks or else risk facing the full extent of the law.  “Let science take its course and go where it will,” the statement said, “but in the mean time, intentionally inducing PENDS is a crime and if fatal, parents can be charged for causing death due to negligence.”–TP